I hate to be alone. I really hate the time when I am sitting all alone, doing nothing except thinking. Which I can never control. My brain is thinking like 24/7 on different things which depends on the situation I am going through. Just few moments back I read something somewhere which grabbed my attention towards myself, yeah! That made me to think what I was and what I am now. Totally different person.
Raised in a small town, lived a fun full life with *friends*. For me, friends were like heavenly given gifts. You can trust them blindly; you can tell them everything that you want to, you can rely on them like you rely on your own shoulders. They are like mirror to you. I read somewhere that the number of friends a person has tells how good that person is. I always used to think that I am some angel; I have a lot of friends. Yeah, I was angel – at least I used to think unless I realized that how wrong I was.
It feels like as if someone is grinding you when someone really close to you break your trust; once and then again and again :). You sometime starts ignoring some arguments not for the reason that you are lacking in words or you don’t have enough points to defend yourself. You stop arguing or talking just for the reason that friendship you shared is still that important that you don’t want to ruin it by giving it harsh words. Keeping silence seems to be best option at the moment but it results in a comment from next person “that you are always wrong that’s why you are silent at the moment”. Would not this comment make you think that this person was *ever* been your friend?
Yes, I have realized that what friendship is and I have realized what kind a person is worth enough to be a friend and all the rest, don’t make a difference to me. Not at all. Yeah, that’s me who always longed to have chit chat with others, who always longed to have fun but now the only thing that I like to do is to have a little smile on face and long lasting silence. Yup, I am changed now. I have realized how to live among such people. I have lost myself among them. I act like someone else just for the reason that I can keep the pace and should not let them enough close to me that I start trusting on them *again*. I don’t want to be dependent on such selfish people. I don’t want to dependent an anyone … … AT ALL!
I am on my own now.