Long time no see, should have been the question that some people wanted to ask me while reading this blog post. Yeah, I was busy. Hell of busy. Moved to Canada (finally) for my Studies – the dream came true. The dream that I dreamt for … like 3 years ago and after 3 years of struggle, I am here. Do any of you, have an idea how it feels when your dream comes true? Every person has his own way of expression, some are overwhelmed with joy, some smile and some shed into tears. For me, it was like “okay I get it (Thanks Allah) – what next (Allah help me there as well)”! Yah … I was that cold – honestly! (Some people may have their own assumptions about my feelings but that’s what I exactly felt). I don’t know why I am so cold in expressing emotions.

Dreams cannot stop your life or your aims. If you cannot achieve one dream then you cannot stick at that dream forever, you have to think something else then. Believe me, Life does not stop at anything except “death” and if it is not death then why should we stop ourselves?

I was already prepared for my transition phase. The phase that some of my friends has already asked me long ago, “Ali, if you move somewhere else, will you miss us?” and my answer was as usual cold “No”. Why would I? If I am going somewhere else then I would be having new fellas there and new things which would never let me think about you guys. This is actually true, especially when you have not made yourself dependant on others.

Even though, I was prepared, I was ready to accept a lot of changes in my routine, in my approach towards life (specially the importance I used to have which I would not have now) but eventually, I was hit by that transition and now suffering from that phase.

One of the thing that I loved in movie “Love Aaj kal” (don’t think about romantic stuff) was the transition “Saif Ali Khan” went through when he moved to San Francisco. He had everything, his dream, games (I know), friends, party and the energy around him but even then he realized that he is missing someone in his life (the song “Main Kya Houn” was shot so beautifully to portray all that). That energy and new environment can make you not to think about someone for sometime but eventually, the monotonous nature of life makes you think about someone you can rely on or you are dependent on or someone who is really important to you which your rationality, your logics have never let you think that way.  In that case Saif had a girl so making a romantic turn which most of the people have got from the movie – A romantic movie but it has something other than romance in it; some reality of life.

For me, same feelings came for a friend (that’s right “A Friend” and “friend” does not have a gender) about whom I never thought of. I never thought that he would be that important for me? Or in other words I never realized that I have become that dependant on him. I thought I am old and mature enough to overcome this thing but I could not.

“I cannot concentrate. Sometimes I talk to myself, isn’t this weird” were the words that Saif told to the psychiatrist in the movie and it’s true for me as well. I really can’t concentrate. Every single moment I am doing the regular stuff of my life, in parallel I am thinking or want him to be around me. I never expected that this could happen to me, to a guy who never thought of these things or never let himself dependent on others but right now I am feeling that I was dependent. I need to realize that this isn’t something which is going to have some good result and I have to let it go but how would I?

Sometimes I think, is it really him who I am missing or is it the feelings that I was used to him? If I am used to him then I could get used to anyone else, right? Then why I am still not able to get used to of anything else except him? Aah – there are lots of questions which add to my headache whenever I start thinking (consciously) about this situation and then it makes me restless and depress.

You know, missing someone isn’t that you want to talk to someone or want to have someone around you or you have not seen someone lately and wanted to see him now. It’s like some part of your life, your personality, your smile, your thinking or technically some clocks of your processor are being utilized for someone who does not even know that those clocks are ticking for him! – It SUCKS!

Friend: Why are you leaving so early?

Me: I have to go my home town.

Friend: Really, have a safe journey. I hope to see another blog post this weekend.

Me: eeh! RIGHT!

After reaching home and while talking to someone.

Me: Hey, I was thinking to write something

Some other friend: Really, write it down – it’s been so long you have not.

Me: Yeah i know. But i don’t feel like it.

Some other friend: stop thinking. Just start and you’ll get the flow.

So, the bottom line. I need to write. What i need to write, I know – but what i don’t know is how to put in words.

I had an awesome trip to norther areas (kaghan, naran, saif-al-malook etc) in last week. Really enjoyed that trip. Besides the enjoyment, I also realised few facts about life (as usual) and myself.

• I still care for emotions. There are people in my life, whom i really care about. For those I can sometime do off the way things which i normally don’t do or I have made rules in my life not to do something like this. Doing these things for family, is understandable but for friends – I was really shocked to realize this thing about me.
• I felt the feeling of somebody important not being around you! I thought migrane is the worst thing that can ever drive your head crazy; but there are worst things than that, which never get off your head. It’s nice to think about those people but sometime if you can’t contact them then definitely; migrane is nothing.
• The last and the most important thing; We have made our life complex. For like 4 days, I was away from all this crapy life needs. I didn’t have any GPRS there, I didn’t have WLAN there. I didn’t have my laptop (though i have my E66). I have seen people there, who are living their lives in small huts. They are not at all worried about their future, their job, their profession. All they do is to get up early in morning and do the things for their meals. They have poultary, cow/lambs and that’s it. That’s their life. They have small beautiful huts just underneath the large mountains and they are not at all worried about “electricity”. They are not worried when there will be power to charge their mobiles.

  Their life is so simple. It made me realize that we bind ourselves to differernt needs, which are actually not our needs. Everyday, we are concious about something new. Someday, we think about which cell phone we need to buy now. Which computer GFX card is in market. Which car is going crazy on roads. Which resturant is okay. Is life really complex or we are the one who are making even the simple things complex?

  Let me not conclude anything, since I have already concluded things for myself. Conclude to yourself, just review your daily routine, review your life style and review what are things that “you actually need” and what are the things which “you have made your need”. If you remain neutral and possess good judgemental skills, you’ll definitely realize that life is way simpler than what we can ever imagine.

We live in a confused society. There are lot of things which we have accepted from the society, which does not make any sense or at least are not rational. But we never realize those things either for the reason that we think it’s meant to be that way or we don’t bother ourselves on these little things. But the fact is, those little things make the basis for  change. A long journey begins with a little step.

Few things that I am going to mention here. It really makes me think why our society acts this way. Why we “prefer” to be like others and don’t like to be ourselves?

• Few days back, we friends went to a shopping mall. It was Sunday and only “families” were allowed that’s why the  guard stopped us from entering the mall. I asked for the reason and he said only “families” were allowed, we said okay. At that very moment I saw a father with his son about to enter the mall and the guard stopped him as well, for the same reason. Now this thing made me curious. I asked the guard, why is he not letting them in. He said only “families”. I said he is with his son. “sorry sir, there is no female with them”. I said, “so when you say family, you mean there should be a female in the group”. He nodded. I asked, “you mean if a guy comes with his GF then it’s perfectly fine since there is lady in the group”. He nodded again. All this made me think that our society has itself imposed the concept of girlfriends boyfriends indirectly, and at the same time they oppose it. Hypocrites!
• The second thing about our society. Obsessed. Obsessed to be like westerners. Obsessed to love western or any other culture but our own. One of the things I would like to mention here: If either a company or brand name is written in English, we call it cool but if the same name is translated in Urdu, we will never like it. For example, all of us believe “Honda” is a nice brand and it’s name is “cool”. Honda was the “name” of the guy who started this company. Now consider a local guy, named “aslam” uses his name as a brand name “aslam motors”, how many of us will consider it as cool as “Honda”? Consider other names as well. “Stallions” -> “Ghoray”.

These are only few examples. I don’t want to write in detail since it’ll be lengthy, but the theme is quite clear here. Why don’t we try to portray our culture, our “own” society and try to change the “wrong” things penetrated in our society? Why we care to do things just because our society “likes” or “want” those things that way? Why we think about society before making any decision about our personal or family life? We really got to think about this.

Yet another day with headache. I don’t remember exactly when did my bond with this headache started. I guess, its history is dated back when i joined the university. The hostel life, full of joy, pranks and fun gave this lifetime gift.

It’s become a part of my life now and I don’t remember how it feels to have a moment without an headache. The moment I start forgetting about headache, I get it by “any” means. Sometime migrane, or due to over work, or extra thinking (which i always do even when i don’t want to do) and if there is nothing then there would be some surprise of headache for me. But it’d be there.

It’s almost 2 days that I have not been able to sleep well. Don’t know but there is something stuck in my head. I am thinking it and thinking it and then thinking it – helplessly! Every little thing today is making me think.

• Why people get so much attached to each other?
• Why there is name of everything? Ever imagined a world without name of any human being?
• How easy and realistically the Matrix concept is implementable on real life? Which programming language would be preferred?
• Aah! that headache is painfull but can i remember the pain i had during my surgery? Time heals everything and all it gives; scars of memory.
• If some elder is abusing someone, his kids start doing so as well. Without knowing “why” they are doing and this thing becomes part of their life. People fight for “nothing”? They abuse for nothing and they don’t even think that they are fighting over relegion. Come on, religion teaches the lesson of Peace and we are fighting over relegion? There has been fights over it in my village since 1960 and today was also one of that day.
• We know there would be nothing left in our life, everything will be finish but even then things are so much important to us that we can’t even think “what would be if this thing isn’t there”. This actually leads us towards the feelings and emotions for that particualar thing or person. And in later case, we start missing someone.
• All the knowledge of science is based on small peice of informations which helped to deduce big concepts (force, bonds, chemical reactions, photosynthesis etc). What if that base of science is wrong? There may be no atom or there may be some other significant thing than atom but scientists are not able to discover it due to lack of technology and vision!
• Are emotions really meaningfull? Or they really matter to someone? If they matters then why don’t people care about emotions? and if these don’t matter then why they even exists?
• Why heart interrupts the “thinking” process of brain? Did ever brain interrupts the heart job of pumping blood? Then why heart jumps in when ever brain has to make some decision which has *emotions* attached to it?
• If you’d be given an option to live with only one thing either brain or heart, what will you choose? I’ll choose, emm, let me think, damn, this heart is interrupting again … … argh !!!
• Can we really bear a person throughout our life?

Yeah, that’s true – I am having headache and all this crap is in my mind.

MJ. is dead. Everyone on internet is posting in his memories. The videos of his dance on youtube are getting maximum hits today. Facebook newsfeed is being bombarded with video sharing, biographies and other such thing related to him. He was, no doubt, an icon of entertainment industry. His life was full of drama, right from his childhood, through his struggle and till his death. He was either in newspapers due to his talent or due to his health (including plastic surgery) or due the cases.

Life has so much realities hidden in it which we willingly try to avoid. Death is one of those. I never forget this. I never try to run from this reality. Whenever I think about it, One questino always bothers me. What difference a person would make when he is dead? Look at MJ. He was one of the famous personality in this world and now he is no more among us. Will this make any difference to “any one”? Except for his family, who would be sad or would miss his presence for some time and then? The circle of life, continues. As I wrote above, people got some time today to hit on the sites which had some material related to MJ. They “honored” him by watching his videos or the content written about him. Then what? All will get busy in their normal routine. What effect this would have on MJ soul? I mean, was it really waiting for someone to come and hit youtube urls?

I just want to say that everyone is alone. Everyone has to face the realities of life by himself. I quoted some extreme example to explain this. Lets get little lower. When you are in pain, will anyone else can make a difference? It’d be you who will be suffering. Others would simply say, “get well soon”. Some will not even bother themselves to ask you this. But, whatever they say, it’d be you who are suffering. One thing that I want to confess here that yeah, there are few people who will make difference (at least you’ll feel that someone care about you).

But the bottom line is, you are alone. There is no one who is gona stand besides you in suffering a pain. There is no one for whom your presence would really matter. I really want to experience this in my life i.e; someone whose present would really matter to me. Your absence will make them feel that there was something missing to which they were “used to”. For sometime, they will miss you and then, the circle of life would continue either there would be someone who will replace you in their life or they would find some other thing better than you . 

One of the thing that I strongly believe is that “words are meaningless without an action”. If you can’t prove yourself at your words then it simply means that you are not important for me. I can’t believe or trust someone just on  his/her words. One has to prove oneself infront of me. But recenlty, there is something different happened to me, which I can’t believe.

I became reason for someone’s problem solution. In response; she said, “aliiii, thank you so much” followed by some urdu phrase “main aap ki bohat mushkoor houn : میں اٌپ کی بھت مشکور ھوں (see, i am not that bad at urdu)“. These were the few words that I “heard” and for the first time I was actually feeling the real smile behind all these words. I could imagine her saying this with a little smile on her face which was pure, smile which was on face with no mental tension – for that particular moment.

Most of the time, I just act in response to people words because they want that reaction from me. The particular situation wants that particular reaction. But that moment was one of those moment in my life, when I smiled for real. From my heart. I was feeling as if there was some problem of mine which has been solved and I am happy.

I can say that I have packed my emotions and kept them in some closet for long but after that day I realized that I still missed some emotions to pack. I felt the words and it’s meaning without any action. I can say that I am still a human, not a robot.

One of my teachers in university was attracted to a student, which somehow I knew and teacher also knew that I know. So, he always tried to avoid me while she is there asking her something about subjects or any question related to course. It was one of such day; I had few questions that I wanted to discuss with my teacher. So I was walking towards his office.

I found him in corridor standing with the “student”. Teacher was holding books in his hand and had a blushing smile on his face while talking to her. No sooner did he saw me, he was like “I don’t have time at the moment, go away”. I was about to leave suddenly i noticed that the girl is smiling while asking questions to him. Which confused me why she is  laughing and while chasing her eyesight i realized that my teachers’ trousers’ flies were open .

Now, I wanted to tell me teacher that there is something wrong and you could get embarrass later but my teacher was ignoring me continuously. Since i was notorious for pranks, whenever I tried to get close to my teacher to whisper him the secret of her smile, he pushed me away. I tried once, then again and again but in vain. At that moment I recalled the famous story of the king which gives “try try again” moral. So i tried for the last time, this time I was quite fast and didn’t gave a chance to my teacher to push me away. I got close to him and whispered, “Sir, your flies are open”.

He was explaining something to her and the moment he heard this he looked at me with an embarrassed smile, made a gesture as if he is tired holding up his books against his chest and moved his hands to down, covering the fly with books. Nice move. I went to class and waited for the sir to come and take the lecture. He was late and when he came he gestured to me to check if the flies are ok (he went to home and changed his trouser). I laughed and gestured, “Yes Sir”.

For the first time, I am going to force myself to put something on this canvas otherwise i’d have to face consequences. Right now, I am in no where. I mean, i don’t know where to start and what to start. My mind is always filled up with gazillions of thoughts, hundreds of my own self made philosophies towards life and few pranks . But at the moment, I am just trying to find a head start for this blog entry and then I’d have to ponder upon it to decide some title for it .

Last night, I had one of the weird mood swing. I don’t know why, just out of no where, I started feeling bad, bad for nothing but i was like “I want to cry”. I want to run away, I want to quit everything and fly somewhere where there is nothing like mundane around me. My this post is going to be some random things about myself which might be connected or might not be. But as a whole, you can say it this post is going to be about “me”.

I am a complex being. Sometime, I really wonder who am I. At one moment you may find me as a social animal, who loves to party, who love to being around with friends. Making fun and enjoying things and on the other hand, you might find me as someone who wants to be alone and silent, always! I am one of those people who want to have someone, at least someone, always around him or always being connected but i don’t find anyone around me, anymore and i don’t want to act like someone stupid waiting for someone (I am not writing some fairy tale). I can live my own.

Things had made me realize, that through out our life we are waiting for big moments of happiness and we always miss small moments just because of we are expecting and waiting for something big (no doubt size does matter ). I bet a lot, not for the reason that i am a gambler but for the reason that i don’t want to “wait” for some big moment so that we friends can gather to have some time together. I just bet, to make some event to have sometime together and sometime i just bet even though i know that i am going to loose, for sure but yet i bet. For me the people and the moment matters which would be the result of this bet but for people “money” matters which they are going to loose or win on this bet. Don’t worry, I have quit this habit now.

Yes, I am one of those person, who don’t want to go with the flow of life. It’s either that I struggle hard before i give up or i really change the things to my favor (with God’s Will). There are 2 things that i believe a lot, Allah and my struggle. I am one of those guy who will even try for that thing about which I am 1000% sure that i am not going to get it, but i’ll try, for the reason that in my life i don’t want to have the word “I wish : کاش” i’d have tried for this at that time. There is nothing like “I might have won it”. There is always “either i won it or i loose it”.

I talk a lot. Talk for no reason, argue for no reason. I argue not for the reason that i have to prove myself best or i have to prove that no one can beat me. I argue because i just want to talk and if i really have something else to talk then i don’t argue. You may say me a hypocrite sometime (which i am not), for the reason that at one moment in some group i might be supporting and defending one side and at some other time and in some other group i might be against this side. It’s not that I don’t know at which side i am (i am always pretty sure about my views and my decisions) it’s because that I just want to know the other side of coin.

There are still a lot to write which i’ll write in follow ups to this pots. Adding more text to this post will definitely make this one a sleeping pill for you . See ya around, hopefully i’ll get sometime for it’s followups (someone going to push me again to write it – hopefully :$).

I am one of those guys who can be friends with anyone, without any discrimination, except for those who have these 3 specific qualities in their nature.

1. A person, who have “I : میں” in his nature. Someone who is proud, has attitude and he shows this attitude to me. If he is friend of mine and he brings his self among the “friendship”, literally I can not bear him. I don’t understand why don’t such people think that who they are and what are they trying to portray of themselves? I mean, if i compare myself then i am no less than anyone among my circle. I had been excellent in academic, Won silver medal, studied what i wanted with good grades, proved myself professionally and living a life that people desire to live. Even then, I never proud of myself. I really have to think “What should i be Proud of?” For my success; which lasted for sometime and now no one remembers it except me. For my smartness; which people say that i am but how long will this last, 1 year, 2 year or 10 year. For my achievements; which is again not an ever lasting thing. Reason for writing all this isn’t that i am pessimistic, I am just one of creatures of God and I know that if He has bestowed upon me something then He can take it away from me as well. I am always dependant on Him. If i know that I am always dependant on Him then Why should i be proud of and for what should i be proud of?
2. A person, who gives more importance to materialistic things than the bond he shares with someone. Someone, who always thinks about money before the bond. I hate such people whose sole purpose of this life is to earn, to save. Who count the importance of person for the fact what he is earning or at what position he is at. It sounds non-practical in my nature but i believe in it. I believe that If you believe in God and He has pushed you into some difficulty then he is going to arrange solution for you as well. Then why live a life in thirst of more and more money and not spending that money for those who are needy.
3. A person, who does not respect the other for the reason that they are older to him or they are also humanbeings. Rather, he treats him on the basis of position they are at. i don’t know why these people think that if the other person is sitting at the office door, in hot weather and you are sitting in a room under an imported AC, should be the only reason of behaving harshly with them? The greatness of a human being isn’t in respecting others who are at a higher level, but the greatness of a human being is in respecting someone who is at a lower level than themselves.

It might take you long to be at some good level before me but it’ll take just a moment for me to start considering you among those whom i don’t care of,  if you possess any such qualities .

My life has been stuck at a “synchronous call” to my dream.  Everything that i am planning or had planned is in wait for the result that I am waiting for.

If you happen to be an engineer then it’s fully understandable to you what a synchronous execution is. However, if you are not then let me expalin you a little.

A synchronous execution is an execution in which only one task is executed at a moment and all other processes wait untill that task isn’t finished.

So, I had a dream and I am working hard for it to make it true. My all other plans towards my life aim are on hold just because of that one particular dream. Whenever I was trying to do something out of way, I had this thing in my mind that I must wait until my dream come true.

• I wasn’t switching my job; i was waiting for my dream to come true.
• I wasn’t setting up my computer (without which i can’t live); i was waiting for my dream to come true.

These were only few little things that i can metion here. But there are lot of which I didn’t do just because of the reason that “I am waiting for the results of my dream”. I do pray (and request you to pray for me as well) for a +ve result of my dream but now i have planned that i should not wait for the result. I am hoping for the positive response but meanwhile I am going to prepare myself to live for the negative response as well.

Yeah, I have decided now. I have decided not to live my life like an synchronous call to some process which is being stuck in process eating up millions of process’ clock cycles. I am going to treat my dream as asynchornous call to a method, planning and executing my other plans as well and the result is:

• I am going to join new company, finally (but which one, i still have to decide)
• I am going to setup my new PC; it’d be either a desktop or some laptop.

I am going to “hope for the best” and going to “prepare myself for the worst”