cloud of my thoughts!

For the first time, I am going to force myself to put something on this canvas otherwise i’d have to face consequences. Right now, I am in no where. I mean, i don’t know where to start and what to start. My mind is always filled up with gazillions of thoughts, hundreds of my own self made philosophies towards life and few pranks . But at the moment, I am just trying to find a head start for this blog entry and then I’d have to ponder upon it to decide some title for it .

Last night, I had one of the weird mood swing. I don’t know why, just out of no where, I started feeling bad, bad for nothing but i was like “I want to cry”. I want to run away, I want to quit everything and fly somewhere where there is nothing like mundane around me. My this post is going to be some random things about myself which might be connected or might not be. But as a whole, you can say it this post is going to be about “me”.

I am a complex being. Sometime, I really wonder who am I. At one moment you may find me as a social animal, who loves to party, who love to being around with friends. Making fun and enjoying things and on the other hand, you might find me as someone who wants to be alone and silent, always! I am one of those people who want to have someone, at least someone, always around him or always being connected but i don’t find anyone around me, anymore and i don’t want to act like someone stupid waiting for someone (I am not writing some fairy tale). I can live my own.

Things had made me realize, that through out our life we are waiting for big moments of happiness and we always miss small moments just because of we are expecting and waiting for something big (no doubt size does matter ). I bet a lot, not for the reason that i am a gambler but for the reason that i don’t want to “wait” for some big moment so that we friends can gather to have some time together. I just bet, to make some event to have sometime together and sometime i just bet even though i know that i am going to loose, for sure but yet i bet. For me the people and the moment matters which would be the result of this bet but for people “money” matters which they are going to loose or win on this bet. Don’t worry, I have quit this habit now.

Yes, I am one of those person, who don’t want to go with the flow of life. It’s either that I struggle hard before i give up or i really change the things to my favor (with God’s Will). There are 2 things that i believe a lot, Allah and my struggle. I am one of those guy who will even try for that thing about which I am 1000% sure that i am not going to get it, but i’ll try, for the reason that in my life i don’t want to have the word “I wish : کاش” i’d have tried for this at that time. There is nothing like “I might have won it”. There is always “either i won it or i loose it”.

I talk a lot. Talk for no reason, argue for no reason. I argue not for the reason that i have to prove myself best or i have to prove that no one can beat me. I argue because i just want to talk and if i really have something else to talk then i don’t argue. You may say me a hypocrite sometime (which i am not), for the reason that at one moment in some group i might be supporting and defending one side and at some other time and in some other group i might be against this side. It’s not that I don’t know at which side i am (i am always pretty sure about my views and my decisions) it’s because that I just want to know the other side of coin.

There are still a lot to write which i’ll write in follow ups to this pots. Adding more text to this post will definitely make this one a sleeping pill for you . See ya around, hopefully i’ll get sometime for it’s followups (someone going to push me again to write it – hopefully :$).

People I hate the most

I am one of those guys who can be friends with anyone, without any discrimination, except for those who have these 3 specific qualities in their nature.

1. A person, who have “I : میں” in his nature. Someone who is proud, has attitude and he shows this attitude to me. If he is friend of mine and he brings his self among the “friendship”, literally I can not bear him. I don’t understand why don’t such people think that who they are and what are they trying to portray of themselves? I mean, if i compare myself then i am no less than anyone among my circle. I had been excellent in academic, Won silver medal, studied what i wanted with good grades, proved myself professionally and living a life that people desire to live. Even then, I never proud of myself. I really have to think “What should i be Proud of?” For my success; which lasted for sometime and now no one remembers it except me. For my smartness; which people say that i am but how long will this last, 1 year, 2 year or 10 year. For my achievements; which is again not an ever lasting thing. Reason for writing all this isn’t that i am pessimistic, I am just one of creatures of God and I know that if He has bestowed upon me something then He can take it away from me as well. I am always dependant on Him. If i know that I am always dependant on Him then Why should i be proud of and for what should i be proud of?
2. A person, who gives more importance to materialistic things than the bond he shares with someone. Someone, who always thinks about money before the bond. I hate such people whose sole purpose of this life is to earn, to save. Who count the importance of person for the fact what he is earning or at what position he is at. It sounds non-practical in my nature but i believe in it. I believe that If you believe in God and He has pushed you into some difficulty then he is going to arrange solution for you as well. Then why live a life in thirst of more and more money and not spending that money for those who are needy.
3. A person, who does not respect the other for the reason that they are older to him or they are also humanbeings. Rather, he treats him on the basis of position they are at. i don’t know why these people think that if the other person is sitting at the office door, in hot weather and you are sitting in a room under an imported AC, should be the only reason of behaving harshly with them? The greatness of a human being isn’t in respecting others who are at a higher level, but the greatness of a human being is in respecting someone who is at a lower level than themselves.

It might take you long to be at some good level before me but it’ll take just a moment for me to start considering you among those whom i don’t care of,  if you possess any such qualities .

synchronous call in my life!

My life has been stuck at a “synchronous call” to my dream.  Everything that i am planning or had planned is in wait for the result that I am waiting for.

If you happen to be an engineer then it’s fully understandable to you what a synchronous execution is. However, if you are not then let me expalin you a little.

A synchronous execution is an execution in which only one task is executed at a moment and all other processes wait untill that task isn’t finished.

So, I had a dream and I am working hard for it to make it true. My all other plans towards my life aim are on hold just because of that one particular dream. Whenever I was trying to do something out of way, I had this thing in my mind that I must wait until my dream come true.

• I wasn’t switching my job; i was waiting for my dream to come true.
• I wasn’t setting up my computer (without which i can’t live); i was waiting for my dream to come true.

These were only few little things that i can metion here. But there are lot of which I didn’t do just because of the reason that “I am waiting for the results of my dream”. I do pray (and request you to pray for me as well) for a +ve result of my dream but now i have planned that i should not wait for the result. I am hoping for the positive response but meanwhile I am going to prepare myself to live for the negative response as well.

Yeah, I have decided now. I have decided not to live my life like an synchronous call to some process which is being stuck in process eating up millions of process’ clock cycles. I am going to treat my dream as asynchornous call to a method, planning and executing my other plans as well and the result is:

• I am going to join new company, finally (but which one, i still have to decide)
• I am going to setup my new PC; it’d be either a desktop or some laptop.

I am going to “hope for the best” and going to “prepare myself for the worst”

I am on my own now

I hate to be alone. I really hate the time when I am sitting all alone, doing nothing except thinking. Which I can never control. My brain is thinking like 24/7 on different things which depends on the situation I am going through. Just few moments back I read something somewhere which grabbed my attention towards myself, yeah! That made me to think what I was and what I am now. Totally different person.

Raised in a small town, lived a fun full life with *friends*. For me, friends were like heavenly given gifts. You can trust them blindly; you can tell them everything that you want to, you can rely on them like you rely on your own shoulders. They are like mirror to you. I read somewhere that the number of friends a person has tells how good that person is. I always used to think that I am some angel; I have a lot of friends. Yeah, I was angel – at least I used to think unless I realized that how wrong I was.

It feels like as if someone is grinding you when someone really close to you break your trust; once and then again and again . You sometime starts ignoring some arguments not for the reason that you are lacking in words or you don’t have enough points to defend yourself. You stop arguing or talking just for the reason that friendship you shared is still that important that you don’t want to ruin it by giving it harsh words. Keeping silence seems to be best option at the moment but it results in a comment from next person “that you are always wrong that’s why you are silent at the moment”. Would not this comment make you think that this person was *ever* been your friend?

Yes, I have realized that what friendship is and I have realized what kind a person is worth enough to be a friend and all the rest, don’t make a difference to me. Not at all. Yeah, that’s me who always longed to have chit chat with others, who always longed to have fun but now the only thing that I like to do is to have a little smile on face and long lasting silence. Yup, I am changed now. I have realized how to live among such people. I have lost myself among them. I act like someone else just for the reason that I can keep the pace and should not let them enough close to me that I start trusting on them *again*. I don’t want to be dependent on such selfish people. I don’t want to dependent an anyone … … AT ALL!

I am on my own now.

I hate to be alone. I really hate the time when I am sitting all alone, doing nothing except thinking. Which I can never control. My brain is thinking like 24/7 on different things which depends on the situation I am going through. Just few moments back I read something somewhere which grabbed my attention towards myself, yeah! That made me to think what I was and what I am now. Totally different person.

Raised in a small town, lived a fun full life with *friends*. For me, friends were like heavenly given gifts. You can trust them blindly; you can tell them everything that you want to, you can rely on them like you rely on your own shoulders. They are like mirror to you. I read somewhere that the number of friends a person has tells how good that person is. I always used to think that I am some angel; I have a lot of friends. Yeah, I was angel – at least I used to think unless I realized that how wrong I was.

It feels like as if someone is grinding you when someone really close to you break your trust; once and then again and again . You sometime starts ignoring some arguments not for the reason that you are lacking in words or you don’t have enough points to defend yourself. You stop arguing or talking just for the reason that friendship you shared is still that important that you don’t want to ruin it by giving it harsh words. Keeping silence seems to be best option at the moment but it results in a comment from next person “that you are always wrong that’s why you are silent at the moment”. Would not this comment make you think that this person was *ever* been your friend?

Yes, I have realized that what friendship is and I have realized what kind a person is worth enough to be a friend and all the rest, don’t make a difference to me. Not at all. Yeah, that’s me who always longed to have chit chat with others, who always longed to have fun but now the only thing that I like to do is to have a little smile on face and long lasting silence. Yup, I am changed now. I have realized how to live among such people. I have lost myself among them. I act like someone else just for the reason that I can keep the pace and should not let them enough close to me that I start trusting on them *again*. I don’t want to be dependent on such selfish people. I don’t want to dependent an anyone … … AT ALL!

I am on my own now.

Can we really change our destiny?

It’s been long that I have been into this blog to put down something in my words, until I read this blog.

Do you really think that we can’t change our destiny? I truly believe that we can change it. To understand this I’d say that you first watch Dr. Zakir Naik video about destiny. In which he has explained it in a pretty decent way. There is no doubt that there is a destiny. It has been written that what is going to happen in one’s life. But it’s not actually what it is written. It’s that all the way you are given with choices, to choose from “a” and “b”. The destiny means that you’ll be given the 2 choices and the choice you made is something you’ll be punished/rewarded for.

So eventually, one thing is clear; that the choices are written. However, the difference that you can make is where you have to choose, which is the point where you can actually change your destiny. But whatever the choice you made is also written , not in hardcoded form. So, you have to pay, you have to work out something to change that “not hardcoded” form of choice into your desired choice. How would you? Emm, that’s the real question. Let me try to put my answer here.

Suppose, hypothetically, there is written in your destiny that you’ll reach to “point A” which you don’t want to. You have aimed and want to reach at “Point B”. For this, you have to go through some preparations, some tests. Which are Praying (for sure) and working hard, struggling to get what you want and during all this time, God will continuously keep you testing. He will put different tests on your way, the tension, the restlessness and the mental trauma you may suffer during all this time. Now, if you are determined and strong enough to bear all this with all that “solid hard work”, then it means you did your job and you’ll be paid off with your reward, i.e. “Point B”.

There is a saying that “How would I know that the problems that I am facing is some sort of punishment or the tests” and the answer was given as “if those problems are bringing you closer to God, then those are tests, otherwise the punishment”. Yeah, that’s the thing in above case. If you don’t lose your ground during your struggle to reach at your aim, you’ll get it. This is the thing, which Allama Iqbal said in his shair (the most favorite one of mine)

خودی کو کر بلند اتنا کھ ہر تقدیر سے پہلے
خدا بندے سے خود پوچھے بتا تیری رضاء کیا ہے

Khudi ko kar buland itna kay har taqdeer say pehlay
Khuda banday say khud puchay, bata teri raza kya hai
(Increase your selflessness to such heights that before creating each destiny, God himself would have to ask the human ‘What is your opinion about this’ “.)

Believe in God and keep struggling. But remember, be optimistic and believe in the “cost” that you have to pay if you really want to get something which is not meant for you and if you remain pessimistic you’ll end up as a rebellious, rebellious to your aims, to your strength or may be to God as well.